¿¿¿

˙ʞuᴉɥʇ ᴉ 'ƃolq ɐ sᴉ sᴉɥʇ

stuckstuckstuck

days like these: i feel incredibly disconnected from the world. nobody gets through to me, apart from my family. everybody else feels like an NPC in a game. friends come and go. wannabe writers have blogs that are clean, polished, and organised. i can’t guarantee you that i won’t be dead in a month’s time. hughie malone should start a religion. i would be a most devoted follower. we could sit around at a temple somewhere and trade inappropriate jokes.

i just want someone to talk to and be completely honest about how empty i feel. exhausted and unwilling to continue. not good enough, not pretty enough, too anxious. too heavy. when are you gonna lose more weight. those essays that will never get written. sweaty mornings on the train and watching commuters knock lifelessly into each other and make their way to the office. pencil skirts and blazers. a roadsweeper somewhere, all alone, back bent so out of shape, that you wonder how they manage to walk at all. i want out bcos it’s all too much. you’re always gonna love someone else more and think about them more. i am nothing to you. caught between wanting to be closer to you and wanting to cut you out of my life completely.

Advertisements

when less is more

amongst other things i’ve learnt from my french pen-pals, less is often more, as in the case of je t’aime. je t’aime bien/beaucoup has a more platonic meaning as opposed to plain ol’ je t’aime. i never knew.

also. life creeds. when you feel like a mess, here’s a good motto to stick by: have courage, be kind, work hard.

i like how conan o’brien and stephen colbert have spoken out against cynicism – whenever someone tells me they are a cynic, i back the fuck up.

11:48pm

in the car with dad just taking a trip down to the petrol kiosk to fill up the tank
the engine’s turned off
dad leaves
i remain
the guy at the kiosk shoves the petrol pump into the car
there is
the sound of metal shifting
noise coming from the insides of the car
comforting

with what happened, when it comes to dad, i feel like sometimes i can’t trust him fully
but i do love him
it is possible to love someone without trusting them
and he is one of the few ppl i can sit in comfortable silences with
though he doesn’t understand me at all
i’m not sure i understand him either

dinner: headache and migraine
world spinning out of control
i keep crying
breaking out into tears randomly
condensation on a glass of iced lemon tea
sudden stressors: thoughts of being unloved, unwanted, or being loved, but being unable to receive/accept that love. i can’t do it. i can’t and i will be unhappy for the rest of my life

feel as if i cld pull a trigger and blow my brains out

otw home
in the elevator
full-length mirror
i take a good look at my reflection and slap myself on the face repeatedly
there is a cctv camera in the elevator so i probably look like some weirdo madwoman doing that lol
after a shower i play around with the lighter to feel the flames on my skin
burnt the skin around my thumb
it hurt
all these are reminders that i am alive
that this pain is real
i don’t actually like pain, but i need it to keep going

i dont want to reply any of the messages on my phone/email inbox
i’m odd in that
i get sad over chats where i have left the last message (there’s just 1 or 2 of them), and i keep refreshing them to see if anyone has replied
but then there are so many other text conversations i have w ppl which i have not replied to, and i don’t bother with those
it’s like some kind of self-sabotage, like how i rmb every nasty thing everyone has ever said to me and somehow find a way to internalize these things
while refusing to accept or even listen to ppl say kinds things to or about me
i shut down every compliment