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˙ʞuᴉɥʇ ᴉ 'ƃolq ɐ sᴉ sᴉɥʇ

when eric carmen is not relevant

it’s weird. a few years ago i wld have told you that dying alone seems like the saddest thing that cld ever happen to a person. the truth is, i have come to learn that i want, or even need, to be alone. it’s a mixture of some deep-seated fear of intimacy and some kind of self-condemning belief that i am not worthy of intimate/affectionate relationships. i don’t desire more than a tightly-knit circle of close friends whom i can chill with, or even flirt or play around with occasionally, but that’s it. i can’t envision a “life partner” or anything of the sort. how human beings can allow other human beings to come so close to them is a great mystery that i (and my likely schizoid self) will never figure out. also polyamorous relationships seem to > monogamy. maybe i dont like the risk that comes with monogamy. idk.

not vanessa

it feels like on somedays i am not me – i am more confident, more upbeat, less of a nervous wreck, and a lot bolder than i wld otherwise be

on bodily shame and friendships

i’ve made it no secret here abt how physical and mental illnesses/diseases make me feel defective. and how as someone who struggles with self-esteem issues, the physical is more embarrassing to me than the mental. right now, i am not in the best state of mind and physical health. but i’ll manage. i think. my therapist has equipped me with coping mechanisms that give me hope.

i’ve been walking around with a lot of love for people and receiving some acknowledgement that my affections for them are reciprocated. friendships are a beautiful thing imo. to care immensely for someone and to know that they are rooting for you, and you, for them. my therapist says i shd start noting down the things and people i am grateful for. these are some of them. i’m going to have a “gratitude” category now for my posts on this blog.