it’s weird. a few years ago i wld have told you that dying alone seems like the saddest thing that cld ever happen to a person. the truth is, i have come to learn that i want, or even need, to be alone. it’s a mixture of some deep-seated fear of intimacy and some kind of self-condemning belief that i am not worthy of intimate/affectionate relationships. i don’t desire more than a tightly-knit circle of close friends whom i can chill with, or even flirt or play around with occasionally, but that’s it. i can’t envision a “life partner” or anything of the sort. how human beings can allow other human beings to come so close to them is a great mystery that i (and my likely schizoid self) will never figure out. also polyamorous relationships seem to > monogamy. maybe i dont like the risk that comes with monogamy. idk.